Breaking News Headline – Audacious Smash & Grab Heist in Portland!
In 2018 a crack triathlete unit was sent to the Isle of Portland by an elite running club to a commit a crime. These men (and women) promptly escaped with a maximum haul of glassware to the Martock underground. Today, still wanted by the government they survive as runners of fortune. If you have a problem, if no-one else can help and if you can find them…maybe you can hire the BHAM! Team!
Cue the unmistakeable theme tune….
Starring:
Rob “Hannibal” Bullock
The man with the plan, the cigar chomping supremo…that’s our treasurer! Years of training with the Navy culminated in the planning of this incredible raid. To maintain his cover, he’d even forced his wife and two children out of their warm beds at unholy o’clock on a cold, windswept and raid-sodden Sunday morning. Steely resolve and unflinching determination were the hallmarks of his leadership. Needless to say, he loved it when the plan came together!
JD “Face Man” Dabinett
So smooth was the Face Man that by the half way point of his swim he’d charmed a female competitor in to checking up on him after each length. He’d told them he was a virgin, pleaded for the kid gloves as he popped his triathlon cherry, lulled them in to a false sense of security with his swim and then blasted through them on the bike and run.
Brian “BA” Jennings
No damn fools mess with BA Jennings (and he ain’t getting on no plane, sucka!). Trucking through it all with the inevitable scowl (ok, it’s Bri so it was actually a huge grin) on his face and steamrollering all opposition. Now if he hadn’t been weighed down by so much gold jewellery he might even have beaten JD!
Howling Mad Marko
The clown! The sleeper! Ordered many years ago to infiltrate the orange clad Bustinskins, his cover was so good that he even managed to enter the event as one of them. The reality was somewhat different. His job…to divert attention from the rest of the team by kicking wing mirrors off car doors, by doing handstands, by generally playing the fool.
Tom “the Ninja” Rowe
The tall, dark, handsome (some say) and silent type. Tom sat quietly in the corner of the room. No-one knew he had been there.. and then bang! He smashed out a super quick race and waltzed off with 13th place.
Kev “Incognito” Church
In the private battle of the Web-Churches, he’d gone to extreme lengths to maintain his cover. Gone was the beard, who was this young chap about town? To maintain his secret he cunningly placed himself in an early start position which enabled him to sneak off on the bike and quietly come in ahead of the younger Web-Church brethren…family bragging rights to Kev!
PS He’s so incognito we couldn’t even get a clear photo of his face!
Marc “Call Me Rachel” Webber
A week of gender identity issues and counselling after Bournemouth and he was back. No messing around this time (he left that to the chap(?) in sequinned rainbow hotpants and silver lurex top – I kid you not). A man on a mission to ensure that when he got home he was going to be THE MAN in his house. A crucial 69 (hmmmm!) seconds stood between him and his wife at the end of the day!
Rachel “The Destroyer” Webber
Sunday wasn’t about winning in the Web-Church family battle. It wasn’t even about beating her time from April. All that mattered was smashing out her best performance and nothing was going to stand in her way! She’d even gone so far as to tape a pair of chocolate bars to the front of her bike in an attempt to gain an advantage.. Cue some glassware for the mantelpiece as she won her age group! Take that!
Rowena “Nemesis” Ward
Revenge, best served cold…or on this occasion, very cold, very wet and windier than Windy Miller after an overdose of baked beans! Her third place in the April event had hurt. Quietly she brooded through the long hot months of summer, trained like Rocky (pounding soundtrack and misuse of beef carcasses anyone?) and then in the chill of an Autumn morning she struck to take second place and first in her age group.
Tobs “Mr Bump” Ward
They thought he was Mr Bean in disguise! They thought that there was no way that he could actually get to the end of such a wet course without meeting one or more unfortunate incidents…but he had a cunning plan worthy of Baldrick…on the twisty, vertiginous descent off Portland, as bike brakes squealed and attempted to slow the pell-mell suicidal flight of the competitors, Mr Bump used a double decker bus to run interference for him and clear a path to glory…almost!
Roll Call of Honour
| Name | Overall Position | Gender Position | Age Group | Age Group Position | Time |
| Tobs Ward | 2 | 2 | M40-49 | 1 | 1:01:12 |
| Tom Rowe | 13 | 13 | M40-49 | 8 | 1:09:59 |
| Mark Romans | 21 | 20 | M40-49 | 12 | 1:12:15 |
| Rowena Ward | 27 | 2 | F40-49 | 1 | 1:13:00 |
| Rob Bullock | 42 | 39 | M40-49 | 18 | 1:16:18 |
| Kevin Church | 60 | 55 | M40-49 | 27 | 1:20:23 |
| Marc Webber | 68 | 63 | M30-39 | 13 | 1:22:20 |
| Rachel Webber | 71 | 6 | F30-39 | 1 | 1:23:29 |
| John Dabinett | 102 | 83 | M50-59 | 17 | 1:32:42 |
| Brian Jennings | 105 | 85 | M50-59 | 18 | 1:33:33 |
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